SaiGar 1-D-1: Time for a LESSON, bitch.

January 10, 2007 at 6:00 pm (Anime)

This time we run into a bracket where I’ve seen *almost* every show.

ABSTRACT: Listen carefully, do whatever you want with the rest, but VOTE FOR ONIZUKA. Or I will never forgive you.

LEFT SIDE

Oe Kintarou (Golden Boy)

GAR-TYPE: Super Lech
QUOTE: “BENKYO!”
SUMMARY: Kintarou does some pretty manly business. He protects the things he cares about, won’t turn down any challenge, and tends to persevere on the strength of his libido alone, which makes him Totally Pimp. However, Kintarou cannot win this fight.

Takeshi (Gantz)

GAR-TYPE: Yaoi Mangaka
SUMMARY: Well, Gantz is the one show I haven’t seen in this match, but from what I understand Takeshi is a kid who drew a picture of something called “MUSCLERIDER” and then died, and then he got MUSCLERIDER to fight for him. Oh…kay? If you feel he deserves more than this pittance I give, feel free to post in comments, but it doesn’t matter because he is not a 22-year-old virgin karate club captain ex biker gang leader middle school teacher.

Onizuka Eikichi (Great Teacher Onizuka)

GAR-TYPE: MIDDLE-SCHOOL TEACHER
QUOTE: “Onizuka Eikichi. 22 years old. Virgin.”
SUMMARY: I have, uh, a little bias here. As far as I’m concerned, Onizuka is the manliest anime character of all time. I literally (and unlike many, I know what ‘literally’ means, and I literally literally mean this) cry tears almost whenever I watch GTO. These are not sad emo Kanon fanboy tears. These are GAR TEARS OF MANLY APPRECIATION. Onizuka puts his students before everything including his physical well-being, but is not afraid to physically torture them for several hours or throw them off a suspension bridge when they misbehave. I can’t really do a full write-up on him here, but if he wins, I will do a much more thorough one later. If he fails to win, I will kill the hostages.

RIGHT SIDE

Tawara Bunshichi (Tenjo Tenge)

GAR-TYPE: Bad-ass
QUOTE: “Everybody who wants to get raped, please come closer.”
SUMMARY: TenTen is probably the anime that I’m most embarrassed about liking. Bunshichi is the sweetest manliest character in TenTen though. He doesn’t have ten-minute-long hissatsus or ancient magic demon swords, just sheer manliness. It was totally hardcore when he let his friend who had gone crazy beat the shit out of him and stab him with the magic demon sword that gives him his powers and so on until he finally is lets go of the sword, then Bushichi, full of holes and broken bones, sucker punches him…and now you see why I’m vaguely embarrassed about my TenTen fandom.

Lelouch Lamperouge (Code Geass)

GAR-TYPE: Genius
QUOTE: C.C. – “You have this power and now you want to destroy Britannia?” Lelouch – “No, I have always been planning to destroy Britannia. This power has simply accelerated my plans.”
SUMMARY: Lulu is fun, but he doesn’t seem very manly to me. Though he is a CHAMPION OF JUSTICE.

Dutch (Black Lagoon)

GAR-TYPE: James Earl Jones
QUOTE: “Amen Halleluja Peanut Butter!.”
SUMMARY: Dutch is seriously manly in the classic sense, but, personally, I think he lacks some requisite badassitude captured better by somebody like Bunshichi. On the otherhand, Dutch is black, and if you buy into some particular cultural stereotypes that means he is Obviously Manly And Has A Huge Cock. Whereas we all know Japanese men have tiny penii.

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6 Comments

  1. TheGAR said,

    “I have, uh, a little bias here. As far as I’m concerned, Onizuka is the manliest anime character of all time. I literally (and unlike many, I know what ‘literally’ means, and I literally literally mean this) cry tears almost whenever I watch GTO. These are not sad emo Kanon fanboy tears. These are GAR TEARS OF MANLY APPRECIATION.”

    NOW YOU ARE TALKING.

    ONIZUKA FTW!

  2. balilu said,

    If someone votes for anyone other than Onizuka he souldn’t be voting! Only few other characters are as manly as him in this contest.

    As for the right side, I agree with you about Lulu and Dutch:

    Tawara – Haven’t seen Tenjo Tenge yet (I have a heavy backlog to watch)

    Lulu – Uses other people to do the dirty job and when he killed his brother he puked when thinking about it later. That surely is not manly. He’s cool but not manly.

    Dutch – I have only seen the first season and I haven’t seen him do anything manly.

    LEFT for Onizuka!!!
    RIGHT for noone. But maybe I will vote for Tawara if you say he’s manly.

  3. sethjohnson said,

    @balilu, I would keep TenTen pretty low on your priority list. It’s actually pretty fucking bad, I just inexplicably enjoy it.

  4. balilu said,

    @setjohnson: ok, then maybe I will vote for noone on the right side.

  5. megavolt said,

    Onizuka Eikichi, age 22, YOROSHIKU!! is seriously the manliest of all men. If he loses like Matsushiro Ken did, heads will fucking roll.

  6. DrObviousSo said,

    You forget 2 very important things about Dutch:
    1)In a world where all the ‘bad asses’ carry automatics, Dutch carries a big revolver and a *PUMP ACTION* shotgun. Only manly bad asses like Clint Eastwood and Charles Bronson are manly enough to carry those.
    2)He drinks knock off Heineken. Cheap beer is manly

    However, his greatest manly feature is his Totally Platonic Man Love For Friends!. He isn’t afraid to let a woman do his dirty work, and he is kind to and considerate of his friends, without patronizing or thinking less of them. He handles two fucked up boat mates with deftness and compassion, only seeing what is good in them, not what is bad.

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